Tuesday, February 2, 2016


The word "fear" in this verse can be replaced with the word "respected". The word was used in the Hebrew and Greek to mean respected or revered. 

God is teaching me so much about my heart. So much about my needs and my longings. So much about how desperately lost I am when I deny Him in my life. Someone close to me recently said something that rubbed me raw. "You walk around acting like you are this strong, independent woman, then you turn out to have all of these needs." Wow. Thanks for revealing my cards!

The truth is, this was completely correct. The strong, independent and confident woman... well that's a front. I have the heart of a little girl that has "adapted to her surroundings." I live in a man's world. In many ways I have suppressed the femininity that God gave us as women, in order to make myself more "marketable" and "acceptable". This is a separate issue-one I will not discuss today.

In addition to failing to embrace my feminine heart, I had also failed to fill the God-shaped hole in my heart with...God. I had tried and continue to fight trying to fill the spot with everything else. Money, friends, attention, fitness, a relationship, food, traveling...eventually all of those together should be able to fill in all the cracks and fulfill me, right??

My brain works with pictures, so here is a photo for you. It is a child's toy, something I grew up with. The green shape is much like a circle, but not exactly. My box and it's shapes were made of wood, therefore the shapes fit or they did not. In a rush, I would often try to fit the circle into the shape of the "apple" but it would never work. 

This is how our lives are. We were created. When you create something, it has a purpose. When it fails in it's purpose, it fails to reach it's maximum potential. The placement of a treadmill in your home can make you look more serious about fitness and can even serve as a great place to hang clothes, but it is not serving it's maximum potential-the purpose for which it was created. 

As men and women, we will never be the most effective if we are running from our purpose. Our purpose is found when we properly fill the hole in our heart. We all feel the hole. We all know our emptiness. We all long to feel completed and safe. Celebrity suicides should indicate to us that fame and money do not fill that emptiness. At some point in our life, we have to come to terms with the fact that no human or human-created thing can fill that gap. Only God can properly fulfill our needs. If we force that task on another person, it will drive them away because it is an unfair expectation. If we reply upon success, no amount will ever be adequate. We have to come to terms with our humanity-or forever remain unsatisfied. 

Sometimes in the ER I look around in the middle of some chaotic event and find the most peaceful person in the room. This is often one with the confidence stemming from years of experience and education. It doesn't matter how fast the driver was going, how mangled the body, how many times family screams at them, they know how to handle anything because they have found peace with life and death and their part in both. They realize that they cannot save everyone and  they can't make everyone happy, but whatever is going on outside does not change their reaction. 

This is how I want to live my life. The inner peace that God provides does not change. The things that God says do not change. God's love doesn't lessen and He is certainly never leaving. He gave us the gift of our heart which is a key to open up the stores of His love. We can either use the key for what it was intended, or try it on other locks and repeatedly feel the disappointment. When we use it to be filled by Him, we are able to love others without NEEDING them to fill some emptiness in our life. We can be free to TRULY love-with the kind that a parent gives a baby, expecting nothing in return. 

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